Holiday gatherings + your nervous system 🎄🌀

As we move into the holiday week, I wanted to name something many of us feel—but don’t always say out loud.

Going home. Seeing family. Being around the people who knew us before we knew ourselves.

Suddenly you’re not your current, resourced, self-aware adult—you’re that younger version of yourself again. Same rooms. Same dynamics. Same buttons. And boom—your body reacts before your brain can catch up. Muscles tighten. Breath shortens. Reactivity patterns show up… even the ones you’ve spent years in therapy untangling.

Yep. I know that experience very well.

I’ve been in seasons where I chose distance—“Sorry, not this year.” And I’ve been in seasons where I could be with family with more curiosity and compassion… seeing them not just as “triggering,” but as humans shaped by survival—migration, assimilation, and the quiet, everyday pressure to put family first without ever really learning how to talk about feelings.

I think of my Tita: a fiery, barely-five-feet powerhouse who rose to become big boss of a nursing department and took up space without apology . And I also feel grief for what that kind of survival required—how much softness had to be set aside, how much strength had to become armor in order to be taken seriously.

Holding both the admiration and the grief has changed how I meet my family—and how I meet myself.

These days, I sometimes feel like a nervous system ninja during the holidays —riding waves of sensation, emotion, and memory. Some moments I step away. Some moments I grit my teeth and choose not to react. And sometimes I surprise myself by feeling open, tender, and connected in ways I didn’t expect.

All of it is part of the journey.

If it’s helpful, here are a few strategies that have genuinely supported me during the holidays:

1. Intentionally carve out alone time

Too much family time is sometimes… just too much family time. It’s not a failure on your part—remember, nervous system awareness is information.

Even 10–20 minutes alone can help your nervous system reset:

• a walk around the block 

• sitting outside 

• lying down with your phone off

• a few slow breaths before re-entering the room 

• a hug with someone you can genuinely co-regulate with

You don’t need to earn your regulation. You’re allowed to make choices that support your nervous system. And sometimes, you may need more than 10–20 minutes—and that’s okay too.

2. Move with family

When possible, I’ve found movement and side-by-side time to be a game changer—especially with triggering family members.

• invite them for a walk

• help with something physical (dishes, errands, cooking)

Sometimes there’s no need to process—movement alone can soften charge and help the nervous system shift.

Another option that’s surprised me: inviting them to share stories about who they were earlier in life. Some of the most “difficult” relatives simply want to be seen.

I once let that challenging Tita talk about her younger years—and she lit up. I learned so much about her perspective, and something shifted simply because she felt listened to.

If you’re curious, one gentle question you could ask is: What was life like for you at my age?

And if that feels like too big of a jump, ask about food . Truly. Sometimes connection comes through genuine interest in what someone loves: Any special memories around that dish? Any tips for making it the way you like?

Holidays can be a rare opening to learn family stories—or family recipes—if and when you have the capacity.

3. Practice internal boundaries

This one has been huge for me.

You don’t have to correct, explain, or heal anyone. Not every interaction needs a response. 

Sometimes regulation looks like quietly reminding yourself, “That’s theirs. I don’t need to carry it.” While you take a breath, relax your jaw, soften your shoulders, and let words pass through rather than land.

That, too, is nervous system skill.

And for those of you spending the holidays with chosen family, friends, or on your own—this still applies. Gatherings of any kind (or even the absence of them) can stir things up. There’s no “right” way to do the holidays.

What we practice through a warrior art—over years, over a lifetime—isn’t just swinging around our sticks. 

It’s learning how to notice our reactions, respect our limits, and practice coming back to ourselves—especially in the places that shaped us first.

Family systems, chosen or biological, are some of our earliest training grounds for nervous system patterning and intergenerational inheritance. Moving through them with awareness, choice, and self-respect is the work.

However you’re navigating this season: go gently. Trust your body. Honor your capacity. This, too, is part of the practice.